Things you can't anticipate...

Here it is the end of March and I didn't even check to see when my last post was. Life With The Parents gets more interesting/problematic as time goes by. It seems, here lately, that every day has more challenges than we've had in the past.

The symptoms of Dad's Parkinson's are accelerating. He doesn't exactly hallucinate but he's not always in the present. As the disease progresses the brain allows the mind to take snippets of things that happened in the past, one from this situation one from another, and put them together to create a whole new reality for the patient. A few days ago it was a story about my son being set up for something that was going to "come down and cause trouble" maybe landing him in jail and certainly to be in the newspaper. He wanted me to come over and talk about it because he didn't want so say anything over the phone. Last night he insisted that he needed to call his former military bosses and let them know he has Parkinson's because they might not want him working anymore. He hasn't worked for them in 30+ years. Most of them are either retired or passed away. It took a lot of talking, coaxing and convincing to get him to leave it alone.

Each day is different from the one before. Usually, by the next day, yesterday's problems are forgotten and new ones crop up. But not always. Last week he had it in his head that someone from Salt Lake was going to send someone from the Philadelphia Bishop's storehouse to get his safe. We almost didn't get through that one without a phone call. The next day he didn't clearly remember what the issue was but that his safe was still there.

I had to take him to the doctor last month because of the edema in his feet. It was pretty bad so they have us wrapping his feet and legs during the day and this next week we hope to graduate to compression socks. It's hard because if he would walk more and move around more the problem wouldn't be so bad. The progression of the Parkinson's makes that impossible.

He's very frail and has lost almost 10 pounds in the last 3 or 4 months. He eats less and less. Terri makes sure he gets his fruit/vegetable green drink every day but that's as much nutrition as he gets. Some days it surprises us that he makes it through the night and others he seems fairly cognizant and almost chipper. He talks a lot more about "as this winds down" and last night he said "there are worse things than being dead". When my daughter looked in on him this afternoon, because it was almost 1:00pm and he still wasn't up, he popped his head up and said "I'm still here!"

I feel bad for Mom because she isn't mentally up to par and she's totally at a loss when he wants to make these weird phone calls. She just doesn't know how to handle the situations so she gets a little panicky. She is really weighed down with trying to take care of him but not really being able to do much.

So here ends another briefing of what's up with us. We continue to plug along taking each day as a new day and thinking mostly in terms of just one day at a time.

Time Continues....

When you are younger, and I'm talking 20s and 30s, you don't think of mortality too much. One tends to be busy with all things of life and living. When one is older (like 62ish) as I am you begin to see things totally different.

Dad has often said that he's had a very significant event in which he was told ..."you've spent your life teaching people how to live, now it's time to teach them how to die." He also says that "God gave me life and He'll decide when it's time to take it back." Except for the Parkinson's he's managing well enough and on good days he's very gracious and appreciative of the least little thing anyone does. However, age and circumstance can sometimes make people cranky as they get older and he's no exception. Neither is my mother on the other hand! They fuss at each other like they NEVER did before he got worse and she had her stroke. Case in point..."You've got hearing aids I spent $2,000.00 for and I still have to yell and repeat myself" he said. "Well, I don't have them in!!" she said. We laugh because it's easier than crying and if we didn't find the humor in these day to day things we would all be crazy and in very expensive therapy.

I was busy getting ready to leave for a meeting last night and hurrying to get Rick's dinner ready when the phone rings. It was Dad, letting me know that he got a piece of mail offering him  as much as a $450,000 loan @ 3.5% interest. Sounds like junk mail to me I said. Just thought you might find that interesting he said. That was all... Sometimes this happens several times a day and sometimes we can go two or three days without  having to explain plain and simple things. I got a call from an attorney about something that happened about 46 years ago. I felt bad explaining to Dad what the issue was (he was a principle person of interest) because he wrote the book on such matters back in the day.

We, my daughter and I, have had to tell my mom that she has to do something about the way they eat. Terri makes dinner and sees that Dad gets his green (plus fruits and vegetables) drink every morning but mom still makes "breakfast" for her and Dad. This meal is usually eaten ANYTIME between 10am and 2pm. It also can consist of anything from a bowl of cereal, bacon, sausage and eggs, OR in the case of last week 3 jelly donuts each!!!

This all makes me think that when they go...I'm next! I try to view things in a positive manner knowing full well that what they are going through now could very well be me in a few years or less. I think about how and what we'll do down the road. Living with one of my children is an easy thought but would they want us. We live in a place that they would find hard to manage and not convenient to anything so having one of them move in with us isn't an option. I still think a tiny house on my son's Virginia Beach property is the way to go! Since we can't afford where I'd REALLY like to go.....

Is This My Goliath?

Today, at church, my 9 year olds and I talked about David & Goliath. We talked about how our troubles and trials can be called our "Goliaths" but with God's help we can become stronger and overcome them whatever they are. This got me to thinking....

One of the symptoms of Parkinson's progression is hallucinations. A couple of weeks ago my dad told Terri she needed to go check on her kids. Apparently they had a bird on the end of a rope and was swinging it around trying to kill it. Well, this was rather bizarre and Terri said she could tell Dad was aware that it was as he said it but wanted her to check anyway. She did. All three kids were riding their bikes in the driveway.

I took Dad to an eye appointment last week and it wore him out enough that we decided to come back another day for his glasses. The appointed time would be 9am on Monday. I got home from church today and there was a message for me to call him immediately about a doctor's appointment that suddenly came up. He had mentioned to Terri that Rick was going to pick him up at 7:30 for the appointment. When I called he reminded me (for the 3rd time) about the appointment to get his glasses. He totally didn't have any idea about Rick picking him up for anything.

He's not very stable on his feet. He's fallen twice in the last couple of weeks. Once, I was present when he went down. It was almost comical because as frail as he is he jumped up so fast I hardly had time to reach him. Once in a while he surprises us! I took him to the hospital last week for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor was concerned about a heart murmur. That trip just about did him in. From now on I'll go in and get a wheelchair before he gets out of the car. We're not sure why they wanted that test done. There's nothing to be gained one way or the other.

Probably the saddest thing I've dealt with so far was a week or so ago he called me at 6:30 am to let me know he had taken his morning meds. Ok, I said, that's a good thing. Then in a rather weak voice he said, "Well, I'm just not sure what to do next". I told him to enjoy the peace and quiet because the kids would be up soon and try not to call anyone for at least a couple of hours because it was so early.

These things, as they occur, are sometimes distressing and heart wrenching. It's so hard to watch someone who has always been a rock to everyone around him deteriorate. What's worse is he sees his deterioration and feels so helpless. A while back he said he felt so irrelevant because everything he did had to be done at the inconvenience of others. There is nothing I can say to let him know that we all love him and will do whatever is necessary to help him. We do our best to tell him this but it needs to be repeated often.

I look at the world around me and realize things could be so much worse, in so many different ways, and that I have been very blessed. I have a wonderful family, great support, and a Heavenly Father who always looks after me and gives me the confidence to greet each new day with 'Well, what's in store for me today?'

The Telephone can be a dangerous thing...

Since my last post several things have transpired. First, Dad's bum sore is back. This time we caught it before it got infected or anything so it's not as bad as before. Terri has had to step up and help Mom with the changing of the bandages. She sees more of her grandpa than she ever thought she would but she's doing a great job.

Dad fell again Saturday but by the time we got to him he had jumped up and seemed to be fine. He was grinning which was a good sign. Last time he fell he was totally unresponsive for the rest of the day and into the evening. We think he probably had a TIA or something as a stroke was ruled out by paramedics at the time.

The kitchen remodel is due to start in a couple of weeks. Did I mention that before? Their house has no dishwasher, custom cabinets that are not very efficient, and some other cabinets where the counter top isn't even attached. The idea is to get rid of the bar area and create an island to open up the space. More efficient cabinets will be installed and the doorway into the kitchen from the family room moved and/or enlarged. The miss-matched cabinets will be gone as well. Terri can hardly wait for the dishwasher!

Dad called today. Actually, he often calls several times a day.  Apparently he had tried to call Rite Aid to follow-up on a prescription. Well, there isn't one there. I explained how Mom's prescriptions were being handled by a mail service and he didn't have anything pending. "What made you think there was something to follow-up on?", I asked.  "I don't know" was the response. He'll ask me to call someone because he's afraid he won't be able to track the conversation, but then he'll call the bank (or whomever) to let them know I'll be calling. He was never a micro-manager before but it gets real bad sometimes. I sometimes have to call someone to make sure we're all on the same page because he's called them and doesn't know/remember what the deal was. He's never happy that something is being handled properly and he's very skeptical of anyone's motives. It's sad and frustrating at the same time. On a funny note...Terri sometimes has to tell him that if he wants to make a phone call the remote won't work!

Paranoia is not always what you think...

Sometimes I think this blog should be titled "Life with Father" but not only was that the name of an old TV show (I think)but it would leave out issues with my mom, which can be just as trying.

I've always thought of paranoia as someone always looking over their shoulder, afraid something bad is going to happen at any moment. There are definitely more elements to it. Parkinson's takes it's toll on the brain in ways that one can't really imagine until the next episode presents it's self. We've struggled with Dad's increasing ideas that someone from his military past might make connections to unknown/unmarked objects for some time. He's never told us stories with enough detail for any of us to repeat, even in our social circles or family gatherings. But he's still afraid something will slip out somewhere.

The latest "issue" is with a book that he and Terri thought was interesting called "Say This, Don't Say That". He ordered it. He said as he looked through it, the chapter that he and Terri was interested in was good but the rest of it was pure trash. He said it was very sexual and he didn't even want to send it back. So he ripped it up and put it in a sealed envelope for me to burn. He always gives me things to burn that he doesn't trust to be put in the trash...in case someone might stumble upon it.

The envelope was a bubble wrap mailer and I don't burn plastic in the fireplace so I opened it and took the book out. Since it was not ripped crossways but only from the spine - I put it back together and read through it. It is a very good book!! There is nothing objectionable at all but I can see where he might have gotten that impression if he only skimmed words here and there. It's not a book that you would want a child to pick up and read but a lot of good information is to be had there. It even follows a lot of what he used to teach in a couple's communication class. Oh well, onward and upward...

My mother, on the other hand, is a stitch! She wasn't thrilled with Terri and the kids moving in with them but now that Terri may be going on an extended trip, she's wondering what will they ever do without her. I wonder too. I can go over there every day to check on things but hopefully not to put out any fires!!! Yes, FIRES! A couple of weeks ago Mom wanted to light one of her candles so lit the match, lit the candle, and tossed the match. She has a habit of throwing things toward a trash can or something and if it misses she just lets it be. Well, she didn't think to check the match before she chucked it and the next thing you know, one of the padded kitchen chairs is on FIRE! Yes dear hearts, I'm talking flames. She grabbed one of Dad's jumpsuits and a kitchen towel that was close by to beat out the flames. Both were ruined. Dad has a pad that sits on his chair so she used that to cover up the area. He still hasn't noticed even though there's a little bit of char to the back of the chair.  I have some fabric that I've convinced her to let me use to reupholster the chairs. And she wonders why we needed someone to move in there and look after things.

Every day seems to bring something new, or at least a new way of addressing something old. We're in the process of selling a house he bought in 1956. They actually go to settlement on the 28th. Rick has Power of Attorney for both parents so he's been taking care of it. Dad called a couple of days ago worried that he couldn't get in touch with any one and thinking they were all up to no good. As it turns out, Rick had talked to them just the day before and everything is good to go and on schedule. They are taking a huge hit on the value of the house as it's in a questionable neighborhood in a suburb of Baltimore. It became problematic when they could no longer get a dependable renter. Not many want a 16 foot wide, 2 bedroom, 1 bath rowhouse. He held on to it for so long thinking maybe one of the kids or grandkids might need it to live in sometime. It may have sounded like a good idea but.......no. I saw the house maybe 30 years ago and I wouldn't have lived there even then.

On a happy note...they are remodeling the kitchen to put in a dishwasher, update the cabinets, replace the nasty floor and create a more user friendly space. Needless to say Terri is ecstatic! The demo should start in about 6 weeks.

Some Days Are More Trying Than Others

I'm realizing that all the issues and problems are not solely related to the Parkinson's.

A little over a week ago we bought bunkbeds for the girls and got their room all set up. Three children, even small ones, can fill up a room fast and the bunkbeds helped more efficiently use the space. That meant the double sized bed that was in there had to go somewhere. My sister came and got the head/foot boards and frame but the mattresses are still in the living room! I'm hoping we can get them out this week. It just adds to the clutter.

On Monday, I went over to help Terri finish the clean-up from having moved in. We got rid of all the extraneous stuff, put things away in proper places, vacuumed and dusted. When I was over there Friday afternoon it looked like we had hardly done anything. Mom's mental state is such that she thinks and acts on about a 6-10 year old level on any given day but she is fully aware of the fact that she is 78 years old. She gets a little testy when I try to neaten things up a bit and throw away trash but in my whole life (growing up) things never looked like they do now on a regular basis.

Dad's things continue to be problematic in that he still has boxes and drawers full of stuff that needs to be gone through. He brings up a box or load of stuff from the basement and as he goes through it, item by item, it covers the entire area around the couch and coffee table for days. Then I get the stuff to bring home and decide what gets kept, burned or otherwise given to someone else. He knows his mind is going and he wants to get as much done as possible before the light goes out.

I imagine the mental effects of Parkinson's are similar to dementia and Alzheimer's. Dad takes 3 different medications for that particular symptom but things are getting worse anyway. He's fearful that he will say something to a neighbor or friend that will be bad enough someone will call the police. I told him that if that happens we simply explain the situation, have a chuckle over it and tell them we'll keep an eye on things. What else can you do? He's physically pretty helpless and he reminds me that there are no guns or knives (swords) of any significance left in the house so he can't hurt anyone. Terri called and said that 3 times, the night before, he had tried to make a phone call on the TV remote and change the channel with the phone. I can tell by the way he answers the phone if he's having a good day or a bad one.

So far things are working well with Terri and the kids there. She's realizing that there are things she needs to take charge of, like Dad's meds, both parents' exercise routines and the food prep in order for them to get done at all. She's doing a great job. She's a beauty and a joy forever!!

Going Crazy seems so much easier....for me

Things were really hard today. A little backstory...I left on Thursday for a trip to Texas for my Aunt and Uncle's 50th anniversary. Was gone 5 days and during that time Terri got most all of her things moved into my parent's house. It's a mess over there but we're working on it. Consequently I spend more time there than usual trying to help them all settle in.

Yesterday Dad had a bill that I told him he needed to pay as it was for some lawn services that were completed last month. He had told me previously to work with the guy in charge of doing the work and to just let him know when there was a bill. For some reason he doesn't think the work had been done so he called the company. Then called me this morning to let me know the job had been cancelled and he was paid up. I knew this wasn't right so I called and talked to my contact. He had done the work (he had called me when he did it) and the bill was still outstanding. I had mom write a check while I was there so I could mail it on my way home.

Then, while I was talking to him, Mom and Terri about their situation, he starts talking about how if Rick has Power of Attorney to manage the sale of a house, then if he and mom are found at home alone we could all go to jail for reckless endangerment. I had to explain that the reckless endangerment only applied to us leaving them in charge of Terri's kids and that we were not going to do that. I also had to explain that the POA doesn't mean that he is mentally incapable but that he had given Rick authority to act in his name for some things. These are all things that even 5 years ago would not be an issue.

While looking through a stack of papers I said "oh look, a dollar bill". He said it was earnest money for a house he's trying to sell in Baltimore. He was dead serious. Number one, he's the seller not the buyer so he wouldn't pay earnest money. Secondly, in today's economy a dollar isn't going to cut it for anyone!

It's so hard watching an extremely intelligent mind deteriorate so badly. He does recognize the fact that Parkinson's causes a fair amount of paranoia. At one point Terri told him that she thought he was making a mountain out of a molehill that shouldn't even been there. He chuckled and agreed maybe she was right.

His physical self is deteriorating as well. If he starts leaning in one direction on the couch he just stays that way. Today he was leaning over looking through a drawer for something. I think he forgot what he was looking for and just kind of dozed off without changing position. His sense of humor, which has been a trademark of his, is all but gone. We have to be very careful what we say because nothing is taken lightly or in the humorous way it was intended.

I came away today with a new resolve to be more sympathetic toward my mom. She has always made me crazy but today I saw just how much Dad's ramblings confuse and worry her. We all sat there not knowing what on earth he was talking about. He has always been the one to take care of things, always knew exactly where anything was and could always help anyone with anything regardless of the nature of a situation.

The bottom line is...age and related issues can be problematic under the best of circumstances. My parents, Dad with Parkinson's and Mom with the effects of a stroke, are not aging in a way that I was anticipating. I fully expected to be a large part of their declining years but I didn't realize the toll it takes on the emotions dealing with the physical and emotional limitations they experience under our set of circumstances.